[Spoken:]
“Hello, how can I help you?”
"Hi, my name’s Dave Burd. I have an appointment today. it’s probably under 'Lil Dicky,' actually. I’m a… I’m a rapper, so…”
“Ok, and who are you here to see?”
"Uh, Snoop Dogg? Says here “Snoop D-o-g-g.”
"Oh, yeah. He’s right down the hall. First door to your right. Give him a knock and he should be right with you."
"Thanks. It’s uh, this door right here, right?"
"Mm-hmm.”
“Thank you.”

[Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg:]
Grab a seat
Thanks I’m Dave very nice to meet
Dave, what it do? You can call me Dogg
Let me just check your sheet
No problem, sir, let me just say
I’m a big fan of the shit that y’all make
I can’t lie, I been thinking about this all day
All good, there’s a reason that we called, Dave
Let me start with your background
Where you come from?
Sure, I was undergrad down there in Richmond
Before that
Oh, you talking bout my hometown?
Yeah
I was born out of Philly grew up in a little silly old town called Cheltenham
It was in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around
So real shit you ain’t never had to struggle for much
I wouldn’t say it like that, we just had a different kind of trap
Elaborate
Well I ain’t never had a tool, but I had to be the man at school
Like I was doing shit I had to do so when I finished undergrad, I’m cool and I can get whatever job I wanted
But the job you wanted wasn’t all that bumping
Yeah, and I saw it quick all the flaws that be coming when you grow up like that
Know you been racing them rats, you ain’t been making them raps
Boo hoo what a hardship
How you paid to get the rap shit started?
Man, my Bar Mitzvah money
But don’t diss me buddy, I wasn’t one of them younguns up on the block who had nothing to lose
I must’ve wanted this a lot, I had something to choose
Look at that, I can say there’s something to prove up in your ass
Yeah, I guess
That’s enough of the past, what makes you want to do rap?
Oh my god, it’s the best
Bitches let me draw up on their breasts
Literally I can reinvent myself
I get a forum to project myself
It’s never boring, every morning I wake up and try to best myself
I never got to be suppressed or stealthy to express myself
It’s kinda healthy
Cool, now let me put you through a couple hypotheticals
Sure
In a club and a couple niggas threaten you
Uh, I wouldn’t do shit
And I don’t even get what that got to do with this?
Shut the fuck up, rap's like life
If you wanna do this, then you won’t get far acting like a little bitch
Nah, that’s my niche!
Don’t get offended by this, but that’s the market y’all missed
That’s the target I’ll hit
And that’s the heart of my pitch
I wanna do this whole thing different
What the fuck you mean you wanna do the whole thing different?
Uh, you know, I-I think, like, you know
Traditionally people have been doing the job the same kind of way for a long time
But traditionally speaking, this shit works, right?
Nah, like, I get that, but I-I just think that, you know
You don’t know if it could be working even better
And I think you should look at me as an opportunity to find that out
I don’t mean any disrespect by that
I’m just saying I have a different background
Like a different perspective way of looking at things than your typical applicant

[Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg:]
So what are your biggest strengths?
Well my flow is crazy, I can switch that amazing
For example, I can be like ain’t nobody fucking with Lil Dicky
When he get up on that shit and spit it sick and ridiculous
Ripping this shit like it’s never been did and the rhythm is never predictable
Cause I can switch it, deliver this shit to whatever cadence you bitches prefer
Alright, alright, I get it
Top of that, lyrically I’m pretty damn clever (Go)
Got a long bottom bitch, called a hoe Neville (Whoa)
And I blow it from the jump, Derrick Rose knee (Oh)
You can say I’m pretty smart how I know better
And y’all been winning like my story [?] it’s no feat
Bro, I can go on and on
I’m taking over any man like father in laws
OK enough of the punchline, that ain’t showing me you different from the other guys
Well I don’t know if they can run it like that
But ain’t nobody else doing funny type rap
What’s that?
Well I can tell a story about my morning
Watching Boy meets World and jerking off to Topanga Lawrence
Like the 14 year old Topanga
Oh this shit like a joke to you?
I don’t get it
Nah it ain’t like that I just happen to be a nutty abundantly funny type of individual
Like it’s a guy
So when i get up on the mic I ain’t finna just lie
Real recognize real, right?
Yeah, I guess
So what you trying to do?
Five years from now, tell me bout the dude
Well, I don’t care about the money
Like ,it’s the respect that I’m wanting
Honestly, I just want to be one of the greats
But I gotta bring your boy up, bury the bait
I don’t wanna leave the game the same
In a nutshell, what’s your legacy?
Well, I wanna be the dude that came in and made the stand up rap
With the random rap and the man like that for the people that was anti-rap
Yeah the fans of rap started recognizing anti-rap is ironically one of the real brands of rap left
That shit sound pretty damn complex
I guess, I wanna be the best
I just wanna do it my way
And turn the whole game sideways
And show people you ain’t gotta be resigned to the highway
You can make a path while these motherfuckers drive straight
I ain’t mad at that
Well thanks, man, that’s my plan of my attack
Just let me in and I’mma rap the plaques
And I ain’t about to win them back to back
I’m bout to win them like it’s back to back to back to back to back
Til I stop rapping
You ain’t even sold a damn album yet
True
That’s a lot of talk from a wiley vet
Let alone a young rook nigga
You misread me
Nah this ain’t a book nigga
Well that’s one of my flaws, I’m too competitive dawg
No, you just fucking repetitive dawg
I get it, you trying to be better than all
But you ain’t shit until cheddars involved
I get that I gotta prove myself
No shit you ain’t done shit
But think about that though
Only doing this a couple of years
One tape and I’m like this?
This shit is aight for your first shit
But you don’t know if it’s your worst shit
You don’t think finding out would be worth it?
It might be, it might not
But I’mma put your ass to work, kid
Wait, like, like I have the job? Like really?
Well one more thing, let me see if you could put a hook together
What would you do for the hook for this song?
You want me to make a hook up right now?
Do I look like the type of nigga that like repeating himself?
Alright, uh, okay
Man do the hook!
I’m bout to be professional
Homie, I’m professional
Uh, maybe like a low voice type thing?
Nigga, that shit is garbage man
Well, you know, I feel like there might have been some upside to it
But I’m not good at thinking of things on the spot like that
Don’t y’all normally like outsource for that kind of thing sometimes?
Sometimes, but you know, that was some next level Dogg shit right there
Yeah, you know, I’m just way better when I get to think things through
Have my like that dual screen action that type of thing
Whatever man, you trying to smoke a blunt?
Right now?
Yeah
Sure

[Lil Dicky, Snoop Dogg & (Juanita):]
Dope. Juanita, bring some weed in here, please. Thank you
(You got it, Snoop. I’ll be right there.)
Thanks, Juanita. Super nice woman
Nigga, why does everything you say sound so soft?
Uh, I really don’t wanna be spoken to like that, so…
Whatever. Thanks
(Hey, I got y’all y’all weed.)
Damn, that’s some great looking weed. It’s just so early
(Can I get you guys anything else while I’m here? Coffee? Tea? Head? Bottled water?)
D-Did you just say head?
(Yeah. You ain’t never got no head before?)
I mean… Just feels like… A lot, right now
(Ok.)
But what kind of tea do you guys have?
(We got mint, raspberry, earl grey, english breakfast...)
Actually, I’ll take head
(I knew your little dirty ass wanted some head.) 

LD
A.k.a the Time Traveler's Wife

[Verse 1 - Lil Dicky:]
I like to play it cool like I'm not that
On the low, who'd assume that I got that
I don't know, but the dude with the tall frappe
Looking all aloof being all that
Even Babe Ruth wouldn't call that
I don't even sweat it though
They been hesitant as if my credit low
And shit'll hit them quicker than an edible
I'm 'bout to run for Senate ho, you ain't even centerfold
Been on top of cheese, I ain't talking 'bout oregano
I'm talking 'bout your cheddar homie, revel in that
I'll hit a college and I'm fucked, like I'm pledging a frat
They 'bout to silhouette my nuts on American flags
Estoy contento, muy estupendo
Better hearse word to rent-a-car, Dicky Tony K
Y'all the Le Batard speaking to you lames, that's a seminar
I'm straight like a pleasant bar, ain't nobody ready for my repertoire
I wasn't getting credit like a debit card
But never mind, had to give them time to adapt
I'm kind of like a rap rendition of a fry in a wrap
Just try it as that
You rappers Rebel Wilson's vagina, you stank!
I take it back, I don't know that ho
And bro they used to

[Hook:]
Look around the boy, wouldn't raised they head
Now they looking at the boy like the main event
He don't even got a rap sheet, looking like a mathlete
How the fuck is he the one that come in with the crack
We like "Who knew, who knew?"
Used to look at me like "who you, who you?"
Now they look at me like "Who knew, who knew?"
Now it's Dicky with this, who knew, who knew?
Now they look at me like
I am [?]
Young boy got dough for a quiet nerd
I am rap game Walter White
You might get killed thinking that he all polite

[Verse 2 - Lil Dicky:]
Buzz around the city, coming out of Philly
I'm about to get a milli, being me that's word to milli
I'm looking super silly, but cooking like at Chili's
You look at me like "Really?" but I look at you like "Who that?"
Oh you new here, I'm the bomb
Ok I'm Lebron, ok I'm the one
Ok all that shit confusing that's a quandry
What you call a pussy with a movement, that's a Ghandi
I'm tryna get better but science preventing
Because I'm undeniably clever, the highest of levels
I'm high in a sweater but rhyming like I'm lying in pepper
Don't mind the endeavor, I bet I do better than veterans
Cheddaring, let him on Letterman
Get him on L and I'm on, boy
I think I need a therapist the way I get in my dome
Doing D like they was Syracuse, when they up in they zone
Used to load it on chrome, now I really ball
Living like a fucking letter man, never mailing the song
Though the dime flow rubbing combos in Tom's shoes
With blonde hoes getting Peyton like the Broncos
I'm on ho, vanilla looking but the rest of y'all the John Does
It's pretty odd bro, cause they used to

[Hook:]
Look around the boy, wouldn't raised they head
Now they looking at the boy like the main event
He don't even got a rap sheet, looking like a mathlete
How the fuck is he the one that come in with the crack
We like "Who knew, who knew?"
Used to look at me like "who you, who you?"
Now they look at me like "Who knew, who knew?"
Now it's Dicky with this, who knew, who knew?
Now they look at me like
I am [?]
Young boy got dough for a quiet nerd
I am rap game Walter White
You might get killed thinking that he all polite

Get up off my dick, ho
That's an unassuming dick, though
Get up off my dick, ho
That's an unassuming dick, though
("Who knew, who knew?"
Used to look at me like "Who you, who you?")
Get up off my dick, ho
That's an unassuming dick, though
(Now they look at me like "Who knew, who knew?"
Now it's Dicky with this, who knew, who knew?)
Get up off my dick, ho
That's an unassuming dick, though 

[Verse 1:]
Drunk, faded, browned out, looking all shady
Two months since I fucked a lady, young man dick going crazy
Standard Saturday, I'm about to get a cab and masturbate
Then I see a hot girl, look back at Dave
Lemme get your cat girl, no Hathaway
That's what I thought not what I said to her
Instead I walk up to her, like "I know you heard of the kid
You heard what I did, you heard of my shit, the murderous spit."
She's like, "Naw, you're being weird, what are you talking about?"
I'm like, "Aw..."
Pulling out my phone, like a boss, YouTube 'bout to get her off
But as I type the y-o-u, some porno pop up
I'm like, "Hold up, how did, that's not even me
Like, I don't jerk off mobily..."
Then her friends coming up
And wanna know if everything is okay
I'm like, "Naw, this a rape, you can't tell?
Gimme a break, please. Get the heck away."
I turned to her, "Let me buy you a drink," she like, "Fine."
Told the man, "Two Patron," she like, "Lime."
Said he tried twice, the card got declined
I'm like, "All ri-, is this a, could it be a machine issue?
He was like, "Naw,"
I was like, "Obviously there's something wrong
I got dough, like I'm not broke...
I got donuts with the same card like about an hour ago."
He like, "Dude, I don't know."
Now I'm looking at the girl she just wanna go
And I ain't talking 'bout with me, bro, I mean alone
I got one more chance to prove myself, so I'm like

[Pre-Hook:]
"Look, I'm athletic, girl, I've gotten several Rec League MVP's
At my crib I've got some pizza, plus a little bit of weed
In my room I've got a TV, plus I recently did sheets
Girl, I even have a fridge that has the water on the door
Like with the crushed ice"

[Hook:]
You know I don't give a damn, what you playing right now
This is me coming at you as a man right now
Lemme freak, lemme freak, god dammit, lemme freak
Just lemme freak, please god, just lemme freak

[Verse 2:]
The girl from the first verse, somehow let me fuck
Fast forward, seven months, we in love
Some real serious relationship type shit
Despite this, I ain't fucked for days
Tried last night, but was pushed away
But I've been acting well behaved today, I smell okay
Adele Pandora's playing, now she laying
On the floor and I'm praying this bitch is horny
I go and give her a smooch
She kissing Dicky back, so I play with her boobs
Bad move, she don't like that
Bad mood, her boss being mean to her
Via email, she wanna write back
I'm like, "Right now?"
She like, "Yeah, what do I say, can you just help me?"
"Oh, okay, what's the context?"
Then she like, "Well, he talks to Jane before coming to me."
"Who's Jane again?" I said, she like, "Wow, you should know that..."
"Okay, I guess I forgot," she like, "Dude, that's my other boss."
"Okay, true, so shouldn't your first boss
Go to the other boss, before you? Right?"
"But Jane isn't hands on!" she yelled
"Okay, well I just don't understand the dynamic then
I don't work with these people." She started crying
"Wait stop, what the fuck is this?"
"Naw, you don't ever take my side."
About an hour later til' I'm on her good side
We in bed, hands on her good thighs
I try to kiss, she like, "Good night" but I'm like

[Pre-Hook:]
"Look, I just turned off The Departed for a movie 'bout a bee
I've been cutting back on farting, tweeting, arguing and weed
Yesterday I wore a cardigan at dinner with your sweet
And supportive aunt during the fourth quarter, of the Eagles
Now reward it.."

[Hook]

[Verse 3:]
Fast forward some more, June sixteenth, twenty seventy four
Old LD looking old as fuck, still with the same ho, holding up
But my life sucks, legs hurt, friends dead, real terse
My dick looking like it's tinfoil
Her tits looking like they hard boiled eggs
On top of that, she insane
Like, I don't even think she knows who I am
Our kids moved away, we've been doing the same shit for days
Maybe months, who knows, probably going to die soon
Pretty scared, I ain't even gonna lie to you
Think about it all day, on my last legs
But I'm going out with a bang
I got pills they invented back in fifty seven
I took five, that's a bit excessive
I look high, take a look at my thighs
And good god that's a little erection, it'll work though
Now I've gotta find the ho, I'm pretty much blind at this point
I don't know if I mentioned that yet, but I am
Made my way into the bedroom and there she is, I'm like

[Pre-Hook:]
"Look, I don't know if you're aware that
You've been throwing out my shoes
What I do know is, I'm sick of doing nothing here with you
All my blood is in my dick, I'm probably dying pretty soon
Are you even comprehending what I'm saying
Please acknowledge that you hear me..."

[Hook]

I'm like girl that was great
Talk about a connection
Am I alone in my praise
Do you share my assessment?
She like yeah that was nice
I enjoyed myself
Great, yeah
She like can you reach that shelf
For my phone, I'll take care the alarm
I'm like "oh, for the morning, like to sleep?"
She like yeah we just had sex
What did you think?
I was just gonna fuck you and leave?
No, I - I hadn't thought that far ahead
But of course, can I get you a T-Shirt?
OH, can you not tickle my hair?
It's just a personal thing, it's not you
Okay sorry for doing it
No, it's not a personal thing, it's not you
Okay cool. Yeah
Uhhh, so you're from Minnesota?
Only thing I know is that it's cold
Break it down, how's it compare
To living in LA?
Well, I can't compare them they're so different
Y'know what I'm sayin?
Yeah, for sure
She like apples to oranges
Yeah, well you can still compare them but I hear ya
What's the deal with your family? Got any siblings?
She like I have a brother, I'm like oh what he do
She like he in the Army. Oh, true
Uhh, do you fuck with the war?
She like huh, what did you just say?
Huh, like just now?
Yeah
Do you fuck to the war?
No I don't fuck with the war
I'm like no I don't fuck with the war
Just don't know how to react to the forces
I should have just thanked you of course
Uh, why would you thank me?
Uh... I guess I assumed it would extend to the families but okay

While we on the topic
I been actually thinking about some shit
About the Army and Navy
What if tomorrow is the day
That the fucking aliens came
And invaded our nation?
Like, would we even be able to fuck with their shit?
Like do we have the type of weaponry to fuck with their shit?
So not at all, would they just walk up in this motherfucker
Laughin at us, and blastin at us
And makin everybody disentegrate and assimilate
Without a hint of intimidation?
And can we be doin some shit to make they heart race?
Granted I don't know the alien heart, but
You get what the fuck I'm sayin?
Like what the fuck would it be like?
Would they be like Earth go hard?
Or would it be just another conquest?
Or would they be like damn earth go hard
They was harder than Simian
You ever talk to your brother about this type of stuff?
Then she like no
I'm like well what you think?
She like I don't concern myself with hypotheticals that couldn't be
I'm like girl what you mean?
She like I don't believe
In the war?
In aliens
Oh... hold up
Wait, hold up
Hold up
Girl what you sayin?
That all of the life in the universe happens to be where you stand?
I guess
What an enormous coincidence that shit would be
Do you see what I'm sayin?
I can't hear what you're sayin
Well the whole universe is expandin
There are infinite galaxies
Why would we be the anomaly?
She like that's no coincidence
I call that shit god
I'm like oh you're religous, bitch
You think it's all god
No I know it's all god
No I know that there might be a god
First off nobody knows there's a god
Girl I think we should drop this
No, what's goin on in your brain right now?
Brain.. uhh, brain on some other shit tho
I been all up in the club for the year hey brain
I been killin shit don't mind me
I'm just top flight
I could sure use a Sprite
I'm thirsty as fuck
Who gettin money?
That's brain
Who make decisions?
That's brain
Who make the hit's
That's been brain
Who run the whole operation
That be brain so
Brain, can you just get back to the issue here
Uh, can you just remind the brain?
You're such an idiot, we're talking about God
And if he exists
Don't call brain names
The brain couldn't recall
But if I'm not mistaken the bitch on the left
Guaranteed there's a god
I believe in a god, yes
So god never wrong
God never wrong, right?
Yeah, that's like the whole point
Brain just get there, please
Hold up. So god made the earth
And god was like hold up, this shit is boring
It need more shit
God was like imma put dinosaurs on that bitch
Dinosaurs on that bitch
Then he like why'd I put dinosaurs on that shit
What is your brain even saying?
Can he get to the point
Hold up brain you just did it
God ain't wrong what the fuck was he thinking
About what?
Bitch the dinosaurs
He made the Earth for them
But then he like nah
Dinosaurs was just blah
Imma cook up some blondes
He was way off
I don't look like a dinosaur
Ho them things 35 foot
I'm like 5 foot 11
But on Tinder I'm 6 foot
Seen that Broncheosaurus
That thing fuckin neck go to heaven
And that's just an expression bitch
There ain't no heaven
I'm just messin but if he ain't wrong
I guess this the exception
Can I talk now?
Go ahead
Look
Everything in life has purpose
You, chickens, a midget at a circus
I don't interpret
Shit like that's not for me to determine
So dinosaurs purpose was like to just die?
That's not for me to interpret
I'm just a person
But think of the root of the argument girl
View how we started this girl, you don't believe in the aliens
You can find god the earth girl i find that shit silly and
I just don't presume to know the plan
Bitch me neither but that's not what I'm sayin
But what are you sayin?
Why can't God fuck with aliens?
Why can't Earth just be like a fucking sideproject for this guy?
Look we just don't see eye to eye
Yeah but logically you don't believe in your stuff
Yeah but you're like bringing up the dinosaurs
We could have shared the earth with them nobody knows
Damn there is hard soil evidence girl
Like whats next you don't fuck with Pangea?
She like lets change the subject
That bitch don't know about Pangea
Brain leave it alone
I'm starving, are you hungry by chance?
Oh my god I'm so hungry
Yes, do you wanna get a pizza?
Fuck yeah. fuck yeah, I'm on it
Also I'm sorry about that whole interrogation thing
Come on dude I'm a grown up
I'm capable of having
Intelligent conversations
Okay i just fuck it
Okay back to this pizza I'll eat pepperoni
Ugh
Sausage?
How can you eat that shit
No no no, this not dominoes
This legit
This high quality meat and shit
No, no, I'm vegitarion
Oh, well we can get half pepperoni
And half of whatever you like
Uh, ew, I can't have that shit
In the same box
Seriously? you're that against meat?
No I'm that against us being gluttonous
Thinking that animals live on this earth to get eat
Okay, is it how we treat them?
Uh, it sure doesn't help
She like I'm not opposed to us huntin
But now we not trackin them down
We just breed them to eat
That's disgusting
You should honestly read on this subject

Alright hold up
Just because we not runnin around with a bow and arrow
Doesn't mean we're not hunting these chickens
We just decided the place to do our hunting intelligently enough
To manipulate these animals and get them to do exactly what we want
That's my point we just incubate animals
Instead of just letting them live how they come
But, what? that's just your God at work bitch
Why we go hard on earth
What you think happened right now
If you left my place
And there was like three wolves waiting for you
Wolves?
Bitch they would tear your ass up
Viciously
Like they would eat your titties
And your pussy
That's what they do
And your face and shit
That's what they do
Humans are smarter bitch
That's what we do
She like apples to oranges
Bitch that phrase don't make no sense
Why can't fruit be compared?
She like I'm gonna leave
There's just all of these conflicting principals
Right, enjoy your pepperoni pizza
Right, i will, that's my god given right
She like where is my bag
Oh that leather one next to the trash?
That's the one right? made out of cow, I think?
Uhh why are there no ubers in this area
So you don't eat the meat, you just wear the shit
I'm not listening dude
That's barbaric as shit
Do you come from the vikings?
Do you take peoples land?
Do you fuck with the war?
How are there no ubers out here?
Just download lift, they have a bigger presence around here
I don't wanna add shit to my phone
Okay the choices are clear
Ubers are not around here
Taxis will come bu they real slow
And the brain gotta poop
T minus 5 till the brain gotta shit
I just downloaded lift
But it's being so glitchy
Okay look do you just want to sleep here
Uhh no
It's past 2 am
I'm not sharing a bed with you
You can sleep on the bed I can sleep on the floor
Fine you're sure
Yeah its cool I won't throw you out to the wolves
Oh my god you are so annoying
I couldn't help myself
But can you at least throw me a pillow

I'm just pillow talkin with a bitch
I'm just pillow talkin with a bitch
I just finished passing on a bitch
Now I'm pillow talking with a bitch

Brain gotta poop still
Please don't neglect the brain
Please don't neglect the brain

[bell rings]
Wait is that my lift?

Nah I got a pizza
Full pepperoni too
So you're not gonna wanna be a part of it

But first you should poop
Please don't neglect the brain